We were fearless.
i’m sorry for a lot of things.
for not being good enough, for you, my friends, my family.
for being selfish, for thinking about myself more than for others.
for disappointing anyone who ever had faith in me.
for breaking promises when i could have kept them.
for expecting when i know better than to hope.
for still not being mature enough to handle this.
for always arguing with you when this fear in me heightens.
for this change in me that i didn’t foresee.
i’m sorry for a lot of things. and i can’t even apologize for half of them because that would be apologizing to the world for being who i am. i’m such a bad person, really. and i wonder, how could anyone love me when i’m so flawed that even i don’t like myself sometimes. sorry for more than i can think of now.
one thing i’m not sorry for was having been in something so surreal yet magical with you, that thing that ruined us both, that thing that we both knew was wrong but still took a chance on. that thing called love. we were so young and so brave. we took a chance on each other, given our damned broken souls. we were fearless. and i wonder, where did the two dreamers go.
it’s been hard for the past few days. but i’m better now. got to get my optimism and motivation back. i can’t let myself fall apart now, especially not so after i’ve been holding it all together for so long. it’s difficult but i can do this, i’ll be okay. self motivation was really running dry a few days ago. but i think i got them back today. i can’t let little things and stupid emotions get me down. i need to be stronger and better than this. i’m no longer that pathetic weak girl from 4 years ago, i’m different now and i must toughen up.
i can’t let you dictate my mood anymore, not again. whatever you choose to do will not affect how i feel. every time that i’m able to resist is a step closer to freeing myself from this.
the news of the 20 year old ns man who died really strike so close to heart. i was really sad after reading the article and it was just terrible when i went through his facebook page. so young, so talented, he had such a bright future ahead of him. and why him? he has a family and a girlfriend, he has a purpose in life. it’s so unfair. life is unfair. and everytime i read about things like that, i get so worried for this one particular person. i know i’m wasting precious time by doing stupid things. but i have my reasons and i stand by them. it’s not like i don’t care, i care too much still. and that’s the problem, it’ll always be a problem. i am really giving up on this. i’m no good, i just see myself screwing this up all over again, like how i always do. i just can’t do it.
school’s been good but so busy with all the reports, both oral and written, due in two weeks. and finals in a month. and here i am still slacking around. someone should just shoot me now. owells, enough said.
few more months…
